POEM 5: 05 APRIL 2010
by Greg ~ April 5th, 2010. Filed under: Poems.Were we a poem
Were we a poem
I would edit the first rush of words, deleting anger,
massage oil over the back of every tired phrase,
adjust the metre of sunsets & coffees-to-go,
spell out desire in soft italics, if
we were a poem
Greg O’Connell © 2010
April 5th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
Ah, but we’re not, so it’s first draft every time. Sometimes we think we’re the finished product but…alas. Good stuff this.
April 5th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Cheers, Stan. Ah yes…always a work-in-progress. =)
April 5th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
A perfect sized poem.
April 5th, 2010 at 9:48 pm
Thanks, Emile. A perfect sized comment. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 12:28 am
“…massage oil over the back of every tired phrase…”
I love this line. Great metaphor.
April 6th, 2010 at 12:29 am
Thanks, Dan. An undulating line can be a beautiful thing. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 3:46 am
Finally saw your NaPoWriMo section. I like this a lot. “spell out desire in soft italics” is great.
April 6th, 2010 at 4:03 am
Thanks, Matt. Sometimes the challenge is to say “I love you” without spelling it out. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 5:16 am
I like how the central block of the poem is embraced or enveloped by two versions of the same phrase, accentuating the “we” idea, as well as the “if only, but not” idea.
April 6th, 2010 at 5:31 am
Thanks, Therese. I really appreciate your encouraging, considered feedback. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 6:18 am
massage oil over the back of every tired phrase… brilliant! Thanks for stopping by my blog. xx
April 6th, 2010 at 6:21 am
Thanks, Willow. Glad you enjoyed it. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 7:02 am
Greg,
I love what you did with so few words! Nice!
Pamela
April 6th, 2010 at 7:16 am
Thanks, Pamela…for your few. Much appreciated. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 7:19 am
Ah, I love it. Were we a poem…Thanks for stopping by my spot. I hope to read much more of your work!
April 6th, 2010 at 7:41 am
Thanks, L. Ditto! =)
April 6th, 2010 at 8:16 am
great poem. i really like the way you use the words in this poem!
April 6th, 2010 at 8:47 am
Thanks, a. I really enjoyed writing it, too.
April 6th, 2010 at 9:55 am
I just want to read this over and over. It’s so difficult to come up with a new way to show love but you did it with this one! I see the repetitions as sheets on a bed and the middle as what goes on in between!
Oh, and I got a chuckle out of your punning comment on my poem. Thanks!
April 6th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Ha! Love your “sheets on a bed” interpretation! Thanks, Linda for your kind feedback. I look foward to following your blog. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 10:12 am
Sensual and immediate.
April 6th, 2010 at 10:16 am
Warm thanks.
April 6th, 2010 at 11:08 am
i wonder why we wanna “…edit the first rush of words” … those seem the purest of expression especially so those first moments of love… yes, no… sed the spider to the fly…. thanks for stoppin by and commentin… happy day 5 file and forget
April 6th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Great to hear from you, one more believer. I guess sometimes the first words are best; at other times the first words are deadliest. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 11:26 am
Thanks for dropping by today, Greg. I’ve been here each day and loved them all. Brevity is gift – you use it well! We are poems – too often we forget.
Blessings on your day!
April 6th, 2010 at 11:40 am
Thanks, Bridget. And in poems for children, often: brevity and levity. I’ll be sure to follow your posts, too. Back at you!
April 6th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Yes. I loved some of your images.
April 6th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Thanks, Linda. I loved giving the words a rub-down. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Wow…I really enjoyed that! I love the idea of massaging the oil on the back of tired phrases and adjusting the metres of sunsets and coffees to go. If only we could make life a poem…
Thanks for visiting my site!
April 6th, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Thanks, Robin. I really look forward to following your site during April. On making life a poem: Isn’t it already? =)
April 6th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Hi Greg. Saw your query on my poem. Stupid blogspot seems to have wiped all but one of the comments…it’s being a bit of a swine at the moment. Yes, I will be at the readings tomorrow night. Wouldn’t miss hearing Michelle Leggott and am looking forward to hearing you read too.
April 6th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
See you on the other side (of the Southern Divide). =)
April 6th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
What a wonderful poem! I like everything about it … “massage oil over the back of every tired phrase,” that’s just such a great image!
April 6th, 2010 at 2:12 pm
Thanks, Marianne. As poets, I guess we need to tease out our lines with a liberal amount of TLC. =)
April 6th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Greg- Lovely sentiment here, and that heady, dense “if”– what a great place to break your line.
April 6th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
ajv – Warm thanks for your feedback. I really value comments from such an informed and expressive writer. =)
April 7th, 2010 at 3:02 am
I can hardly add anything that hasn’t already been said here except how much I enjoy the poem. I really do. For all of the reasons above. I would like to learn how to use line breaks and punctuation like you!
April 7th, 2010 at 3:03 am
Thanks, Marie. I get a kind of ‘poet’s high’ from finding even a single line break that really works. So your feedback is a real buzz. My advice: Play. =)
April 7th, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Greg this is just too good.
April 7th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
Thanks, Uma. You are just too kind. =)
April 8th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Greg this is you at your finest… keep it up
It’s a very thought provoking poem.
April 8th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Thanks, Michelle. Awesome to know you’re dropping by. And great to hear the poem resonated with you, my very intelligent friend! =)
April 8th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Hi Greg, I fell in love with this poem at first sight. Thanks for sharing!
April 8th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Thanks, Stephanie. It’s a bit like that, isn’t it. Sometimes we’re simply infatuated with the words. =)